This past year, I lost what I thought was the love of my life. I’m coming up on the anniversary of that ending. And at 56, with no job, no kids, no significant other, I’ve spent mostly what has felt like wasted time ruminating on what I’ve lost in life.

However, the cumulation of disappointment, fear, lack of control and clinging to people and things–in a word, suffering–has opened me up, so this year although painful hasn’t really been a loss. It’s been an opportunity for rebirth, for an awakening. 

Through a series of teachings, I found myself learning about narcissism, Carl Jung’s “the dark soul of the night”, Michael Singer’s “The Untethered Soul”, Buddhism and then Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now”. This progression of teachings created the perfect opening for a spiritual transformation. As months passed, I began to see the duality between my ego-filled life, i.e., my limited and ever changing mind, senses and emotions, and a deeper intelligence as the observer of this ego: the deeper “I”.

But progress has been slow. I still suffer and struggle to accept my ego limitations and simply let go of it all. 

With seemingly little progress, I prayed one night out of exhaustion, “please grant me grace and peace from my incessant chattering ego”…and with that prayer, I finally drifted into a restless sleep that quickly turned to an anxious dream. In the midst of this dream, I found myself in the backyard of my house. People were bustling about late at night in what seemed to be a neighborhood block party. Walking towards my basement’s sliding glass door, I was surprised to see 5 to 10 people inside my house. A sense of violation and outrage welled-within. Who are these people? How dare they violate my space! Who do they think they are? They have no right to be here! And with righteous indignation, I exclaimed, “This is my house, and you all need to leave now!” Some seemed to get the message and removed themselves while one older gentleman about my age retorted, “Oh, that’s how you’re going to play this?” I saw his anger, defensive stance and an imminent confrontation. I thought to myself, “what if he decides to fight back or later decides to destroy my house or take my belongings or cause me physical harm?” 

And with those thoughts still whirling in my head, I awoke from this nightmare. I felt anger brewing within. Am I ever going to get rest? The more I ask for mercy and peace, the more I’m punished and filled with turmoil! 

However, rather than simply reacting to my emotions, I let them penetrate, accepted my unrest, and then a deeper voice within asked, “how could this dream have ended better? How could you have de-escalated it? How could you have had peace instead of turmoil in what seemed to be a no win scenario?” Then that same voice answered, “you are the intruder; you are the self-righteous homeowner, and you are the observer of this illusion!” At that moment, I realized the only option was to accept the “intruder” with open arms…he is your ego…accept the self-righteous owner…he too is your ego, just the flipside of the same coin. And you are also the observer of all of this, the whispering voice within: “this is all an illusion; you own nothing. You are part of everything. You are learning to love.  Let go. Acceptance of the limited self is your path to peace. Self-compassion and compassion towards others are the lessons you have to learn to live.”

For those struggling to relinquish control, to find peace, do you know how you would respond to the intruder in your basement?